


Exposed

by Irving-Braxiatel (Elycia7)



Category: Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Angst, Between Episodes, F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-13
Packaged: 2018-04-20 16:02:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4793711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elycia7/pseuds/Irving-Braxiatel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Romana and Braxiatel have a conversation in the axis. Set at some point Post-Panacea and Pre-Dissasembled.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Exposed

**Author's Note:**

  * For [colinbakerstreet (cbs_yvr)](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=colinbakerstreet+%28cbs_yvr%29).



> Birthday present for Colinbakerstreet

“My Lady?” He asked, as he opened the door to the room she had retreated to.

She was sitting on the bed with her back turned to him. She straightened and tensed when she heard him. “Whatever it is, I’m sure it can wait, Braxiatel. It has been a long day, and I need to rest.”

“You are sulking,” he informed her.

“I don’t sulk,” she replied automatically.

He stayed by his place in the door. “The, what else would you have me call this, My Lady?” he asked.

“I’m thinking,” she spat. “I have to fix this mess you have placed us in, Braxiatel.”

“Now, that’s hardly fair,” he said dryly. “Let us try again. If you are not sulking, then what are you doing, Romana?”

“Don’t patronise me,” she snapped at him, turning around, her eyes shooting daggers at him.

And he noticed something else about her eyes. They were red, and puffy as if she had hurriedly wiped tears away from them.

He stopped.

This was wrong. Romana was not meant to be crying. He had seen her cry so very few times, and it was so very unsettling.

This was not _his_ Romana.

He knew that Romana wasn’t, and never would be, _his_ Romana, and that she certainly wouldn’t she appreciate him calling her that. But it was in his nature to do so, and whereas he could hide it from the rest of the universe, there was no point in hiding it from himself.

“Romana...” He started, but her glare told him not to say a single word more.

“You have no right, Braxiatel,” she told him. “You ruined _everything_. You couldn’t just have handed the presidency over to me, and for once in your life have trusted someone else to be competent. Oh, no. Only you can comprehend the infinite possibilities of time.” She spat out those last words. 

He picked his next word carefully. “I cannot deny that I may have hurt you, My Lady. But what I did, I did for the good of yourself, and for the good of Gallifrey. I thought you would understand.”

“You did, Braxiatel. You did hurt me. But that I could have forgiven you,” there was something tender in her voice, but only briefly. “I don’t believe you acted in Gallifrey’s best interest today, Braxiatel. All of this, it was for you own selfish reasons.”

He couldn’t deny it, although he knew she would see it in his eyes, he refused to let go of his pride and shamefully look away form her. “I stand by my actions, My lady,” he informed her.

“I know you do, Brax. Or you wouldn’t be here now.” She knew him just a little too well, he realised.

“I was concerned for you,” he admitted.

“I’m sure my last self would have been flattered. All of this, just for me.”

Pride be damned, he averted her gaze.

“You loved me from the very beginning, didn’t you?” she asked him.

He still had the opportunity to back away. He didn’t have to admit to anything. But what would be the point. “Not the very beginning. But for longer than I care to admit. 

“Did you know?” she asked. “Did any of your future selves tell you?”

“No,” he said honestly. “That was something I had to learn for myself.”

“What a terrifying prospect,” she said lightly. And there, there was why Romana would always be better than he. After years of being hardened by the politics of Gallifrey, and after all he had done to her. Despite being hurt and angry, and despite him not deserving it, she was still capable of feeling compassion for him.

“Yes, quite,” he agreed. “Perhaps, I was hoping that if I didn’t interfere he wouldn’t have fallen so completely in love with you as I have.” Even as the words left his mouth, he did not regret them. He made himself completely exposed to her, and it felt wrong to give all of his cards away in this way, but Romana deserved no less. He was hers, to do with as she pleased. If she wanted to break his hearts, it was still more than he deserved from her.

“I don’t think so,” she said.

“No, you are right,” of course she was. He wouldn’t have given her up for anything in the universe. “But if I hadn’t, I might never have… Ah, ‘ruined everything.’”

“Then it would only have been someone else, Braxiatel.”

“No,” he denies immediately. “It never could be, Romana.”

“Is that supposed to flatter me?” she asked softly, and he realised that she was just as vulnerable as he in this moment.

“No,” he repeats, flatly. He couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone else in this same way, but he was aware just how dangerous he was. He would keep her safe from the rest of the universe, but no matter how hard he tried he could never keep her safe from himself.

“You gave up your collection,” she started. “Was that meant to flatter me?" 

“Perhaps a little bit,” he admitted. “My Life’s work…”

“…For my life,” she finished.

“Can you blame me? If you had stayed, I had no knowing if you would be killed in the war.”

“So there is a war coming?” she asked shakily.

“That part wasn’t a lie, no. Not much of it was, in fact.”

“You would have been safe here, Away from the rest of the universe.”

He met her eyes. What would be the point of staying safe if she and Gallifrey were dead and gone?

“No, you wouldn’t do that,” she agreed.

“So you don’t think I’m entirely awful,” he concluded, only half in jest.

“Brax, you don’t think…” she trailed off.

“Would it be unreasonable if I did?”

She frowned, moving over so he could sit with her. “And here I thought you knew me.”

“I do know you, Romana. I think you may have loved me back, once. But not now.”

She hesitated. “I don’t think I can ever stop loving you entirely.”

And he knew that once those words would have made his hearts soar, but now it just felt like someone had pierced his hearts and was twisting the knife. The sadness in her voice when she spoke those words said it all.

“But you don’t want that,” he finished.

“It would be easier if I didn’t,” she admitted. “It’s very hard to stay angry with you when my hearts leap every time you do something like this… I’m supposed to be the protector of Gallifrey. What I feel isn’t supposed to matter.”

“Not anymore,” he reminded. “I hoped you might have lost this inclination of martyrdom when you lost the presidency. I should have known that wouldn’t be the case.”

“You make it sound like it was meant to make me happy.”

“Not happy, no. But I would rather you hated me than yourself. I don’t think I could bear it if you did.”

“But you can bear it when I hate you?”

“Why are you doing this?” he exhaled. “You must see, Romana. I am yours to do with as you please. But if you are going to break my hearts this way, at least allow me the knowledge of why you are doing it.” The realisation that he was losing control was so unfamiliar, and he was having a hard time reigning in his emotions. “If it’s some sort of punishment, I will gladly subject myself to it, but I have to know.”

“I just want to understand,” she sighed.

He sat down on the bed next to her, neither of them saying anything. This was worse than anything else he had ever gone through for her.

Before he knew what to do or say next, Romana had pulled him over, kissing him forcefully.

He had often imagined this happening, but never like this. He had wanted it to be romantic, to be perfect. 

He had wanted to want it.

“I am begging you,” he exhales shakily. “Don’t ask that of me, Romana.”

“I thought…”

“I know,” he interrupts. “And I do want it, oh so very much. But not in this way. I couldn’t bear it if it means nothing to you.”

“It wouldn’t mean nothing,” she told him.

“But it would mean none of the right things." 

She was quite, and didn’t protest when he stood up.

He inhaled, stopping in the door. “Try to get some rest, my lady. We have some trying times ahead of us.”

“Together,” she adds. Because after this, there is no way she is going to let him leave again. She wouldn’t dare, and she couldn’t bear it.

He closed the door behind him. “If only that were true,” he replied softly, to himself.


End file.
